Monday, August 20, 2012

Better, a rant, and awkward moments

I suppose the title says it all whats been up with me. Starting off with better, its been a solid past few days for the most part. I haven't been craving sweets, fat, ice cream, or just food in general for the first time in like oh I don't know 2 months or so. It's been grand and I feel like I'm getting control back. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long ass ways to go to undo all this shit. And I still purge. But gosh I don't know what my problem has been lately though. Like tonight I tried to get my supper up, twice, and couldn't get shit up. I think my body just hates me now. Maybe its good so I will finally stop.

No epic binges though, wonderful runs, starting to do abs again, nice days for a change. I really wanna do some type of detox/fast perhaps. I just wanna get all this fat and yucky stuff outta my body. Start again fresh and clean. Plus I stepped on the scale again and it wasn't pretty. Like I swear my legs are starting to get...well there not getting fatter to say the least. I think its because of all the running. But like I don't know where all this fat is getting stored. Probably in my boobs, there getting bigger and I do not like it. Pretty sure that makes me weird. Just saying.

Today I saw that someone said this and I quote "I hate when girls say there fat and there not! its like get over yourself you look fine! gezz.." I kinda wanted to punch her in the face. I don't know, do I need to say more? Ya know what I mean? Fuck the only and I mean ONLY bitches that say this is the skinny girls that can eat and eat and never ever gain a pound. Idk I just can't put into words how angry/irritated/sad/pissed that makes me.

Anyhow Sunday my family and myself went out to brunch because it was my little brothers last Sunday home before he heads off to college (tear:( such a big boy now). Sooo first off, it kinda sucked food wise there but wanna know what really sucked? My friend that hates me was freaking hosting. I haven't seen her/talked to her since so can you say awkward when we walked in. Like I could feel the awkwardness around us. Then later that night I went for a run around the park like usual may I add and guess who I see playing volleyball. Yes, her again with all her co-workers which includes the boy that made her hate me. Then tonight I went running and they were all there again! Fuck me! Don't these people ever fucking work? Jesus. I just hope no one noticed me (aka those two). I'm gonna be pissed if there all there tomorrow night. That's my park damn it.

As a last and final note my boss just loves to make me work and I only have 2 days off between now (well it actually started Saturday) and the 31st. So I apologize in advance for not being around. I'm just always so tried afterwards. So see ya around maybe? Idk we shall see.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Good and Bad News

Wanna hear the good news or the bad news first?

Bad news, I binged I'm fat...again. It was just one of those days.

Good news, gots some new rollerblades a few days ago. My last ones broke when I was freaking rollerblading. I knew I needed new ones, but I thought they would last a little longer. But whatever my mama bought me them as an early birthday present haha. I think she just felt bad about how bad I wiped out. I literally flipped. Thank goodness I was a gymnast for 9 years.

I just wish I could get control back. I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm gonna end up as a whale real soon. I just need to find routine, a new diet to stick too. Something just simple. But anyways, nothing new just the same old same old...

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

First World Problems

I'm still fat.

I'm still hate myself.

I'm still just sad.

Nothing new to report other than I'm slowing turning bulimic. And its something I'm not proud off. But I can't stop. It feels so good.

I'm wasting food while there are hungry people around the world. I'm a terrible person I know, welcome to 'Merica. I wish I could donate my fat off my body to them, I don't want it anyways.

19 days till I move back to school. Maybe then I'll find my control, my strength I once had back. Let the obsession take the wheel.

Till then, I shall be living in this shit hole. Take care ladies, stay strong <3

Monday, August 6, 2012

And they wonder why I'm not a people person

Seriously. People just frickin piss me off. Co-workers, customers, friends, parents, everyone. I swear I work better alone. I went up to visit some friends last night and it was pretty fun but lordy, one of my friends just keeps on criticizing me. Idk like she judges me and my habits when hers are way fucking worse. Atleast I'm not a little alcoholic that drinks every night. Atleast I don't need to have a cig every 15 mins (yes I’m describing her.) Do you know how annoying it is when you don't smoke? Like we were playing a game and shes says wanna go out and smoke. So we all have to stop our game, go outside and let them smoke. (Theres others but not as bad as her). And atleast I don't have some sorry ass man how I have to pay for his shit because he doesn't make enough money and not gonna lie its seriously just an ass wipe.
Last time her and my other friend came here to visit us and she said to me that just pissed me off too. “So Alice still got that v card? Better get on that and it better happen soon.” I'm sorry I'm a fucking classy person that doesn’t sleep around. I try to not be like everyone else here. I just don't wanna regert it and do it with someone thats an asshole ya know? Likkkke how she did, she can't even stand saying his name now.

God idk shes not the same anymore, it really upsets me the way she talks and judges me like that. I'm not perfect and shes far from perfect, no room to judge. And I feel a lot better now that I ranted about that for a bit now for the important stuff...

So I went almost 24 hours without eating. Crazy right?! But I felt kinda sick in the morning and idk how I didn't get sick, frickin lots of alcohol and nothing to absorbed it with. I’m tellin ya it was a miracle. So I hope your brains can do the math here, no food forever=binge, plus hangover=need more food for that and just combined into a binge galore feast today. So I purged and ran today. Surprised? I hope not. I really wanted to purge at work and was hoping no one was in the bathroom but guess who was? My freaking mom. So that didn't happen. Till later anyways. On the plus side I think I ran my fastest 2 miles ever tonight. Yeah I only went 2 but idk its this new workout music! Serious pump up and just gets me going. Breathe Carolina, gots some good music.

I hope your all doing well, I'm sure everyone had a way better day than I did. Jesus I need to get a hold of myself. And I hope you’re all better people persons than I am. Seriously I just need to live out in a forest by myself or something.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

New Music and a Purple Blob

I made cookies today. Peanut butter nutella cookies to be exact. I love to bake and not gonna lie I'm a pretty great baker (for the most part.) But I always hate it because they always turn out so yummy and I just wanna go nom nom nom. At least there tiney tiny cookies. Like dog treats.

Eating wasn't much better. But I didn't binge today. So better than what I have been doing. Isn't that almost hilarious tho? Eating alot was almost a good day for me because I didn't binge. God I seriously need to get my life together.

On the up side, I put some awesome new workout songs on my Ipod. Freaking great playlist today. And it was such a perfect night out tonight! I had to take advantge of this weather so I put on my purple shorts, purple shirt and pluged in my purple headphone (take a crack at my favorite color) and hit the streets, and park. And it was a nice suprise I was able to go a little over 3.5 miles and not gonna lie, I ran like rabbit today, not a turtle. I swear its my new shoes. Go Nike.

BAM! Arn't these sweet? Nike free's, high recommend the shoe. And I know what your thinking, damn these are ugly, I kind of thought that too a first but they grow on you. Now I'm like these are kick ass. Plus right when the sun is going down the yellow looks like they glow in the dark. Can you say fucking awesome?

Anyways tomorrow really needs to be a good day. I work all day then afterwards I'm going outta town to vist some amigas. So I can skip all my meals without mother questioning (win) and have some much needed fun. :)

Friday, August 3, 2012

Coming out of Hiding

Well hey there stranger. Long time no write?

This past month has been a magical tragedy. I came here and tried to write but have you ever had the feeling that your just too sad to write. Can't do it, all negative terrible thoughts and you just say fuck it. Yeah thats how I've felt. But I still came on to be a little creep and read blogs but not even comment. Like some little silent creeper, so I've still been around, no one knew it tho. But I started commenting and writing again today if anyone noticed and I forgot how much I liked it and I have really missed it. I just haven't cared. Not a flying fuck at all.

 July sucked balls. Sucky sucky balls (almost). Lots of hate toward me and especially for myself. Truly just hate myself. So much that Mr. cut cut came out to say hello a few times. Mr. finger missed the back of my throat. All those terrible thoughts came back to haunt me. I swear to god I have voices in my head. And I went back to my old ways. Just don't care. So if that doesn't tell you how I have been eating I don't know what will. Aka I eat shit. Then I puck shit out. Or use laxatives. I try to run, but I live in the midwest with this bloody drought. Did you know that it would be 90 degrees by 10am? Literally just can't even step outside its so hot. I just hope Aug cools a bit.

So remember how I was talking to that guy that my friend dated? Yeah...she hates me now too. Like facebook statuses and delete me as a friend pissed. And I thought the rest of my friends hated me too so that was a great couple of weeks of just feeling hated by the whole world. But they don’t which is kinda awesome and they thinks she’s overreacting, but now its just an awkward situation now and if I'm hanging with them she can't be there and vice versa. Fuck me. I just hate everyone in this damn town. Can I please move back to school now? So there won't be food to be eaten. God I love my parents and like being home but I just gotta leave, so I can do whatever the f I want and not eat. I realized today when I'm not around food its just so much easier, magic right?

And I'm pretty sure I'm back to square one. Back to my old weight. All my hard work I just said screw it too. I just can't stop myself. I can't. I'm outta control when I eat. Like when I start for the day I just keep going and going. I just need to not eat at all. Problem solved. But I wish it was that easy. But if losing weight was easy then everyone would be skinny right?

Atleast I have the guy right now. He's so amazing, and actually treats me so...nice. Its weird I'm use to just being treated like shit from every guy and they try to get what they want and just leave. Or there annoying as fuck and I say piss off. I just hope I don't screw it up like how I seem to do with everything else in my life. Ahhh I'm just so fucking angry and pissed at the world, and myself. Hate hate hate is all I ever feel and it feels so fucking great to write it all down for the whole fucking world to see so they can see I am not a fan, especially this fucking town! God. Buttfuckers can suck my dick.

Sorry outta control rant about everything, but I do feel much better. Its nice because I don't tell people things, not even friends. I have so many secrets. Like I never tell my friends of guys I like, you know like how normal people do. Anyways, I hope blogging will help me again. Get myself back on track. It didn't work when I just ignored everything and just stopped. So I'm coming outta hiding and back to blogging. Wow this is long, mmyyyyy bad, but its my fucking blog and I'm gonna write however much I want, what I want, be as random as I want to be, and swear as much as my little fucking heart desires.

Well that’s everything in a nutshell.

I have been creeping, I'm sad to see it looks like some bloggers are gone that I just loved reading, while others are doing so well and I'm truly proud of you all:) I found I have a few new followers and I'm excited to follow you guys and just to read new blogs. Anyways I also spent a good part of my day looking at skinny people and well its been a while since I've done a little thinspo montage so enjoy:)

 Hell yeah

 One day...
 My thoughts exactly

 Sorry I'm still in my fuck you mood...

Monday, July 2, 2012

Jet Lag

Holy Balls!

So I got back from the California trip about a week ago and then the next morning I left again with my family to Arizona. So I finally got back from that about 3 or 4 days ago and now I'm just trying to get back into my routine. Ahhh its so hard to. Try to see friends, get back to work. Running and eating, which have been horrible lately. Theres been alot of binge and purge and I did at least once during both my trips. Way for staying strong Alice.

During my Arizona trip, I discovered I come from a far line of snackers. All of my siblings and I just love to snack. Like before supper we would have just bowls of shit just lying around. But the funny thing is as big of snackers we are, no one is fat. We all workout. Praise the Lord.

Anyways so much to say, don't know where to begin. So much has happened. I'll just say I have been doing horrible. Stuipd thoughts have been telling me things, and then I do bad things, then that results in other bad things. I'm just trying to get back on track, slowly but surely. I was 131.8 this morning. So I'm back down to where I was before I left, almost. I'm slowly catching up on your blogs and it seems like you ladies are doing well:) Good to hear.